Three days…. three blissful day of reprieve and relief… I was hoping, but it didn’t last long. It felt so good to smile and mean it. It felt so good to enjoy the sunshine, to laugh with my husband, to feel hope again…. but, well……………
A woman once described it as a cat sitting on her chest. I get what she means…. but for me it more like a black hole heavy on my chest. The weight of it… pushing down, I feel like I’m suffocating and breathing at the same time.
The thing of it is I’m in a good place. Life is going well. My kids are thriving, my husband is in his sweet spot. I belong to a wonderful church full of loving people. My home is turning into what I’ve always dreamed of, open and spacious, calm and comforting.
But this depression – there! I’ve said it, mercy I hate it. Oh, I can say I feel sad, or I’m grieving …. but depression…. o boy does that chafe…. goes against my fiber… I want to rip it out…. I want to reach into my chest and tear it off and throw it, violently throw it… down, away, anywhere…. get it off of me, out of me….
Our move was months ago. I should be fine. I should feel settled, rested and peace. I’ve already gotten mad at what I’ve lost, already cried about it…. and I’m ok with where we are, I’m ok with what we are doing, I’m ok with all of it…..as a matter of fact it’s better than where we were. Such a community of love and acceptance. Amazing people, ready and eager. Thirsty for God to live and move and work in them and through them. Hungry for God’s word. Their arms open in embrace…. to us.
I don’t want to feel the loss…… ok, I don’t want to feel depressed anymore. I don’t want to whine about what I’ve lost, what I’ve left behind…. I’m faithful! God, I’m faithful. I walk in obedience. I don’t walk begrudgingly … no bitterness, no resentment… no “Why Lord?”
For a while, way back… a year ago… yes, I wondered. I was confused. But I KNEW what God wanted… I knew … and I made peace with it…. of course I want to obey the voice that says, “this is the way, walk ye in it.” Seriously! am I going to do anything else…. He’s my God… the desire of my heart… it’s an honour, my greatest pleasure… total surrender. I’m ALL His. I’m joyfully His.
The best part of my day…. early in the morning, cup of coffee in hand, Bible on my lap, books about Him and how He works. My time with Jesus…. such sweetness… such rest
Which is why I don’t want to feel, be depressed. It seems wrong, dishonouring.
My heart begs to list all I’ve lost…. yet …. asks “is that ok?” My head says, “nope”, don’t do it… God would not be pleased…. or at the very least it would not honour Him…. or would it?
O Yes Jesus it would!
I”ve lost everything that was mine, everything that was Me. My business, which is more than a business… it’s the very calling of my life, bringing healing to lives to marriages… extending compassion and mercy and calling people to live … to live more fully. I’ve lost teaching at the academies…. o my favourite…. using the platform of psychology to teach young people about the unending love of Jesus…. telling them the truth of God’s everlasting Word… pouring myself out, loving these fantastic kids, each one reaching into my heart and settling there, they changed me… beautiful children… each class different…each class wonderful, more than I could have dreamed of…. o how I miss them. I’ve lost my Sabbath School class…. wonderful women, willing to be transparent, desperate to have the WORD of the Living God transform them. Praying together, crying together, connecting together, supporting each other … every Sabbath morning a refreshing reminder of what the body of Christ is supposed to be… and I’ve lost being in the same town as my best friend, which doesn’t seem like a big deal… I actually see her more now than I did the last year living there, and of course there’s the phone… but it’s not the same… there’s just something about being near … even if we didn’t see each other…. she was there, close by. And I’ve lost my son, two years before I thought I was going to… and though I know it’s better and working out just fine, he’s thriving and growing and it was “right”… it’s still a loss and I feel the emptiness and love it when he’s home.
But…… yet…….. and nevertheless…… I WILL walk the road before me. The one laid out before me by the hand of God…. I want nothing else….
“So I stand here lifting empty hands
For You to fill me up again”